The Last Men On Earth
“Manpons! The #1 trusted masculine hygiene product for all your manly flows! Bonus: Douche Inside! In New Smokey Oak Scent!”
The Last Men on Earth (Chapter One excerpt)
by María José
Red and wet. He looked down at his stark white boxer briefs as he stood in front of the toilet, the elastic band hugging his thighs. Yes, red and wet—a crimson stain, or as the female news anchors and pundits called it, “Uncle FlowJoe” had finally arrived for seventeen year-old Benicio.
It was finally here and he wondered if he should shout for his dad to break the news to him. Papi had got his at fourteen. Mijo, you’re a man now! is what he would probably say, laughing and squeezing Beni’s shoulder. But no, Beni decided to wait until dinner to tell everyone. He would do it matter of factly, playing it cool while he asked his teenage sister Genesis to scrape some concón onto his plate. No biggie.
Beni did the ceremonial pee shake. And like any teenager coming of age, he looked at himself in the reflection of the bathroom mirror. Except this time, he was looking at a so-called dique “man.” Before he could get in a staring contest with his new self, he felt a quick, tingly vibration in his genitals. I better get a Manpon, he thought to himself as he bent down carefully, his thighs closed together, and opened the cabinet under the bathroom sink. He immediately found the bright blue box with the words “Male Absorption Aids.”
Prra prra prra. “Dinner’s ready!” Genesis knocked on the bathroom door. She cooks dinner on Tuesdays. Mom on weekends. Dad on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Benicio on Mondays. On Fridays they dine out. And every Sunday morning they clean the house together for two hours after breakfast, salsa music and cafecito.
“Ok, ya voy!” Beni shouted as he took a Manpon out of the box.
He ripped open the black wrapping and took out the thin, blue plastic applicator. It had a white cotton string hanging out of one end. He put it on the sink and studied the instructional drawings that come inside every Manpon box.
Pull the plastic applicator piece out, then insert into the testina.
Gosh, no one says “testina.” Everyone says “testi” instead, Beni thought. “Testina” is pronounced "tes-tie-na" and “testi” is pronounced “tes-tee.” Beni once heard Genesis call it “manani” to her friends.
Push Manpon into testina until fully inserted.
A Manpon is about half the size of a traditional tampon. Testinas have the same width of a vaginal canal, but half as deep. The medical community says it’s because it is still a new body part in its infant stages of evolution. Some girls at school call it “vagina jr.”
Remove applicator and discard.
Beni put one foot up on the bathtub and inserted the Manpon. He slowly pushed it all the way in and held his breath the whole time. It only hurt a little. He had never put anything up there before. Some straight guys, though not many, let their girlfriends finger them, or the guys finger themselves, which surveys claim is uncommon. Beni had never let Alma, his girlfriend, finger him nor had he ever fingered himself. He was afraid of penetration, of popping his cherry and bleeding. But penetration and blood didn’t matter anymore. He tossed the red streaked applicator into the trash. He tore off some toilet paper and placed it on top of the trash, covering the sight of the bloody applicator.
Genesis was pouring mineral water into everyone’s glasses when he walked into the kitchen. His parents were sitting next to each other. Beni sat down across from them.
“Hi, papito. How was your—” his father started to ask Beni.
“I got my period today,” Beni announced, chewing his frijoles.
Clank! His father threw down his fork. “Que! Oh my goddess, it’s finally here!” he cheered and got out of his chair.
“Papi, please don’t make a big deal,” Beni said, getting up to reciprocate his father’s hug.
“This is a big deal, coño! Do you want us to do the menstrual ceremony tonight?” his mother asked as she kissed his cheek.
“Mami, please, I don’t think the ceremony is necessary,” Beni pleaded. He could feel the Manpon string stuck to his labia as he shifted in his seat.
“No way! If I had to do it, he has to too!” Genesis chimed in.
Beep beep beeeeeep! A news alert popped up on each of their cell phones.
“A bio man is pregnant!” Mami shrieked, “Right here in Queens! It’s the first pregnant bio man...ever!”
“What!” Papi’s mouth stayed open.
“Sí! His name is Osvaldo and he lives en Elmhurst!” Mami’s eyes popped open, “I wonder if Baby O will be born in Elmhurst Hospital, just like you two were,” Mami had already nicknamed the baby.
“You think they’ll throw a parade here when Baby O is born?” Papi’s dimples showed, “Ay, that would be so lindo.”
“You know what this means, right?” Genesis smiled hard, ignoring Papi’s question.
“Yeah, it means men can have children now,” Beni answered.
“No. It means that men have changed,” Genesis grinned and looked like she was in love with a spot on the wall. Beni shifted again in his chair.
“It means,” Genesis smiled even harder, “there are no more men. Not anymore.”
“I wonder how the biology works,” Papi’s eyes squinted, reading his phone screen, “I can’t wait to see fotos of Baby O!” he gushed, “Or at the parade! The city should do a Father’s Day parade!”
“Does this mean bio women can impregnate bio men?” Mami asked, turning her eyes to Genesis, at her crooked smile and her biceps.
“Maybe anyone can impregnate anyone now,” Genesis said and turned to her brother, “Would you have a baby, Beni?”
“I—I don’t know,” Beni said to his sister, “I’m not even thinking about that. I just got my period. One thing at a time.”
“That’s exactly why you should be thinking about getting pregnant, tonto,” Genesis rolled her eyes, “This means Alba can probably get you pregnant and you’ll—”
“Ay, okay Genesis,” Papi put his hand on Genesis’s shoulder, “Let’s celebrate your brother’s special day and talk about this another time,” he squeezed.
“Fine,” Genesis resigned and gulped some mineral water.
Papi took a deep breath, counted to three in his head, then exhaled. “Beni, after dinner we’ll start the ceremony.”
“Ay Papi, por favor no. No quiero, please” Beni begged.
“You can’t skip the ceremony, Beni. I’ll get the herbs and crimson robe ready,” his father smiled ear to ear.
“Yes I can, Papi. None of the other boys’ parents make them do this! Papi, please. I don’t want to. It’s a school night!”
“Beni, ya basta,” Mami ordered, “Your father and grandfather did the ceremony and so have all the women in your family. Everyone in the family has done it.”
“Mami, I just—”
“Mira hombrecito, we are doing the ceremony tonight y ya,” Papi clenched his fork, “He dicho. Now finish your vegan tacos. Coñaso.”
Beni sank his cheek into his left hand. He looked down at his plate and took a bite of his crunchy taco. He chewed, he sighed. He sighed, he chewed. Genesis pursed her lips as she internally laughed. She pressed her teeth down so hard on her inward facing lips that she looked like a turtle.
The ceremony takes six hours.